What if I Fall?
Have you ever seen that quote that goes around on photos of sunsets? Something like ‘what if you fall, my darling? Oh, but what if you fly?’ It’s about taking a risk and seeing what happens, and apparently in this instance gravity doesn’t exist and one can simply find themselves flying Peter Pan style, except without the creepy crocodile.
I wrote a little while ago about mental health, and the way stand up paddling has helped me take some strides in that area in a short amount of time, but the last week or so has been an anxious one as I make some steps towards potential work for next year and follow through on some tests that impact plans as well. It’s revealed something to me about life — and given me a new goal for the next time I step on a SUP.
See, last time I got on the board there was some wind that left the water choppy and when I did stand up, some jetskis came by and caused even more movement in the water. I froze, watched the waves begin to move closer to me, and my instructor insisted that if I stood firm I’d be okay. I declared “I can’t!” and flopped with the grace of a dugong to my knees. Now, I’m full of grace for my anxious self, so there’s no shame in that moment, but I’ve realised that the reason I dropped back to my knees was because I was afraid of falling.
The goal I’ve set, then?
I want to fall.
I’ve been asking myself the last few days ‘what if I fall?’ and working through various scenarios in my head. All of them end in my clothes getting wet, one of them ends in me falling on a stingray (we don’t dwell on that one), another ends with shallow water causing some bruises, but most of them only see a bruised ego, a racing heart, and the daunting task of learning how to get back onto the board after falling off. The best of the scenarios see me laughing about it, and flopping back on the board breathlessly and going all over again without letting anxiety take me over.
When I think about the same question in relation to life on land, I realise that most of the risks I’m taking in moving forward are about as danger-ridden as falling off a board — sure, my ego can get bruised and I might look a little silly, but in the end there’s very little risk of actual injury because risk isn’t inherently reckless. It’s just a little bit scary. When I apply for a job, the worst someone can say is no. When I put myself out there for passion projects, the worst someone can say is no. When I dare to dream about starting a family I’m risking some heartache, but heartache isn’t the same as a break — and all things come in time.
What if, though? What if I fall?
Today I paid a deposit for my very own Red Paddle Co SUP. But the next time I get on a board will be Monday for my next lesson, and you know what I want to learn?
How to fall.
Wish me luck.
(If you enjoyed this and want to contribute to that paddle board fund, I’d always welcome assistance. Head to https://paypal.me/ofsomevalue.)
